Finding ourselves....

I'm not sure I want to post this....it's bordering on the all too personal line for me. I have read a lot of blogs about people sharing how proud they are of their religion, and not to discredit them, I am just one to mostly share it with those closest. But I am feeling I need to get a few thoughts out here....hate them or love them, they are who I am.

I have been on this fence about religion for years....to be or not to be. Who am I? What is my purpose for being on this earth? To be an instrument in God's hands? Or to mold my ideals and the ideals of the gospel to fit my way of thinking? I have not wanted to be a part of the church, and then I think, "what will mother think?" I have wanted to be gun ho about it....but over all...I am not happy and I think it's about time I figure out why.

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and his teachings....I realized over the last few months especially that in order to know, you have to get on your knees and do a little reading in the little blue book of truth. You can't just expect the answer to come. You have to suck it up a bit and search WITHIN the religion, to find out if it's indeed the right thing for you. But what is right for me? Right? Am I my own keeper? The one who get's to decide my happiness? Don't I know what's best for ME? The truth is, NO. I only partially know what is best. My Heavenly Father is the only one I believe that can truly see my potential better than I can. I have a testimony of this.

Someone told me today, that when you work at 25 percent of an effort, you will receive 25 percent of the rewards. Interesting thoughts....so basically the Holy ghost will work as hard as I work. I still haven't quite grasped this concept. Can you indeed be happy, spiritual, but happy WITHOUT religion telling you, you can't be certain way? I don't think anymore that's what it's trying to tell me to be. But it is a lifestyle. You have to be in it all the way....or what? I believe that if you aren't 100 percent committed to a religion, you are going to be 100 percent unhappy playing the back and forth game with oneself. And then where are you at? You're never anywhere, grounded, peaceful, content, because you're always searching, for you. I think that is the mistake then in effect. Saying, I am not happy without the gospel. If you don't know the why, in that lies the confusion.

I have asked myself sometimes, on a daily basis "what if I wasn't mormon, how would I feel about my life?" How much happier will I be just doing and choosing good things for my life, and just relaxing? Treating my body with respect on the inside, not partaking of alcohol or drugs, or even coffee, but just infusing a natural way of living? What if I were just a normal human being, who was spiritual, who went to the woods every sunday to contemplate instead of going to church to partake of sacrament?

I recently got gauges in my ears. My goal was to get to a reasonable size and have the pretty stone earrings and wooden ones. I have to ask myself, "what will my kids see?" What will my boss see?" Because sometimes, even against your prideful ways, you have to let pride go. Because I may get turned away from serious jobs because of those. Well....I certainly may not be working as an accountant, but I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be happy sitting in an office all day long for the rest of my life. I want to travel and see the world....but I also want a family to love and call my own, in addition to the family members I already have. I already put a tattoo on my body and was it worth it? I say no. I think I should have thought about what I would put on my body before I did, and impulsively did this to myself. I don't want to destroy my body....I don't like a lot of piercings. In fact, I absolutely will never get a piercing anywhere on my body except my ears. Two is good enough for me. The less there is to be distracted by, the better I say. But I suppose I gauged because I liked the expression of it, and the idea that if I was careful, I can remove them, and my ears will go back to the same size or close. But is that within the standards of the church? Or is it altering your appearance than the one that God gave to you?

I am tired of the unhappiness, the torment in my heart about whether or not I am a mormon....but then again I don't want to claim to be a Christian either. In fact, I am so tired of the question, "Are you mormon" as if being a part of a religion defines who you are. So what will I say the next time someone asks me if I am mormon? The short answer, "I am spiritual, and I believe in God, yes" The long answer is the fact that I have found some beautiful things about the mormon religion, that have helped me, and I also love the apostles and the way they teach men how to be men, and live up to themselves as that role. I love what I have learned being mormon. But I am very very tired of feeling guilty, or feeling like I am a lost soul with no purpose because I have put so much effort into being something that I am not.

I am not just MORMON. I am Nyrie Kathryn Hadnot. I love life. I love people. I love music. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in love and nature, and being one with the things around us. I believe in connection, and the golden rule. I believe in loving people, even if they hate you. I believe in helping others, and just doing something even if you don't want to. I am fascinated with travel and culture, photography, origami, Greek gods, I am a movie junkie, I love reading books, and writing lyrics and poetry. I also love to watch MMA fighting. I love old, antique things with uniqueness. I love history, stories of how people came to be, and why they are the way they are. I love satire and looking at the world upside down. I love to observe, and to notice the small and insignificant things. Mostly I love to laugh, all the time. It's the one things in me that wants to come out. I am not a sad person.

Mostly, I love Jesus Christ, and I believe that he died for every bad feeling I have ever felt. He teaches me to do hard things, even if you don't feel like you're strong enough to do them. God is my rock and has put so many beautiful people in my life. I owe everything to Him, who loved me first. He is my friend, my listener. I believe in a Holy Ghost, or a soul, a feeling good or just plain wrong about something. I believe in connection to God through nature, and to preserve this earth and the blessings we have.

I stopped listening to everyone else's interpretation of what it means to be Mormon a long time ago. I stopped hating it because I realized that it made other people happy. It gave them a sense of purpose and meaning. If that works for them, then I realized, how can I be mad? How can I try to change that, or be upset at their happiness? I believe God wants me to find happiness through him by seeing the world and it's beauty, and the good things of this world, even the ignorant and unknowing, so I can see the difference.

Why do I tell this to you? I don't know, it's mostly for me to see it here in front of my eyes. But from this day on, I no longer claim myself to be Mormon. I claim myself as Nyrie. I claim myself as a spiritual artist, as someone who appreciates and loves the blessings in her life, and the peace that I have felt when I make good choices that are true to my heart. The things that have brought me solid friendships and wonderful people in my life. That is the gospel, that is the love of Jesus Christ. And that is all I need to worry about. So if you are struggling trying to figure this stuff out....just remember that if you try to take too much on everyday, you're going to be miserable. Down in the dumps. Just love yourself today, and then worry about tomorrow when it comes.

And to just say this, that I still find comfort in the things of the gospel. I still immensely respect missionaries, and the scriptures, I even quote them every once in a blue moon. But it isn't who you are. Latter day saint means you are living in a way that would be pleasing to God. If you aren't happy with yourself, then God can't work through you, or help you. So, now it's time for me to go and leave you with this set of thoughts for you to chew on for a while. Never be afraid to share yourself with the world. Now, go read a good book and eat your favorite snack. Relax and enjoy the simplicity of your life. :)