So it's that time of night again...wait. It's only 10 o clock in the evening? I've been up since 6:30 this morning for no apparent reason. Well...I remember dreaming. It was the kind of dream that I want to be a part of my future...the one every girl wishes for. Being together with the one they love. The thing is, if I happen to wake up and remember this dream, I will sit and reformat it to exactly my specifications...and create a future with this man in my head.
In this early morning, such a dream occurred, and never has it caused me to awaken and not go back to sleep. I cracked the right side of the shutter door to let the light in and the crisp, tropical morning air, the usual hundreds of birds chattering as if singing their good mornings to one another. I stand on the balcony, my elbows resting on the cool granite of the railing, smiling to myself. I am never up this early except on rare occasions or when I had a job, but never was it to enjoy the beautiful day that was starting.
Some of these mornings that I can remember distinctly were some of the best mornings of my life. I remember a sunrise hike for girls camp, many actually, where we got up at 4 in the morning with sleep in our eyes, but a determination to see this sunrise. Headlamps on our head and dusty shoes, trekking up the mountain; and when we reached the top, it was nothing but silence. We were asked not to speak as to keep the stillness, the thoughtfulness in tact. Like now as I am writing with my headphones in my ears, but no music; don't want to ruin the moment of clarity. We would read letters from our mothers, tears were shed; I cry a lot more these days. I am turning into my mother I think.
Another morning I remember grabbing my long-board and rushing out the door at 6. It was glorious. The plan was to ride the Provo river trail with a friend. He often and almost everyday before his mission, took his long-board and rode the short mile from his house in the canyon that it took to get to Bridalveil falls to sit in front of the falls, practically alone except for the occasional jogger and their dog, and would lie down on his board, listening to the sound of the water, cascading into the shallow pool below. It was his way of starting the morning. I wanted a piece of that. I brought my scriptures as well. It's something driving through the canyon and having the sun peek out of the clouds just around a mountain bend....nothing quite like it.
Sitting on my rooftop with my cousins Amber and Liana with a new camera (we took lot's of silly pictures that day) and watch the sunrise with pillows and blankets. I have an incredible view of the mountains from my window at home...I miss it very much. At night, the Provo temple shines like a white glow worm from 3 miles down the road or so, it was why I chose the room. So many of these small yet significant memories...significant because I gave them permission to be so, to be drawn out of my memory to be smiled upon again.
Back to my room here, eating a simple breakfast of bananas and bread and chocolate milk....it was oh so sweet. It felt good to be up, even if I wasn't sure of the purpose. I can't let my mind wander too much into self created futures...for I don't want to disappoint myself if it doesn't happen the way I imagine it in my head. Perhaps it'll be something better. I cried today, for I didn't feel I had much of a purpose here. It seems to me, that in this world we feel the need to be busy all the time. I sometimes think that we really don't spend enough of the free time we have, like I do now, without work to do, to take these simple mornings, the memories of sunrises past, the starting of these brand new days to really look into ourselves and see that it's OK to be alone, to be solitary and recreate oneself, like I am trying to. I'm not telling you this to say, "oh look I've had a spiritual rebirth" I just need to get it out here somehow, to share it. It confirms the belief and the knowledge of my confidence and my own self worth.
Remember to be simple. Live simply. As I was feeling sad today when a friend of mine asked me if I was liking it here, if I was learning the language. I found myself downplaying. It was a pity party, tears flowing trying not to show it because I've been waiting around for IT, THIS time, this experience to feel meaningful. You can't wait anymore. The thought that crossed my mind later was, "Why are you wasting your time, these moments on feeling sad, or depressed? Go study something. Enlighten yourself."
Wallowing is poison for the mind. It's a prison for your special and unique self. I still struggle as I am sure that I am not the only one who does. But everyday, you have to conciously chose to fight against the darkness, no matter how much you want to stay where you are. Fight back my friend.
We are young. And though we are not completely free of responsibility, I realized too that in that dream, the one I am trying to create, that it's MY LIFE, and no one else's to create. Thank your parents when you see them next. Tell them you love them. You appreciate all the advice; Because you need it, the contrast so that you can listen, nod your head in appreciation, then go ahead and do what YOU want. What will make your life happy, YOU. Here's to finding your balance. Now, go watch a sunrise.
