Coming to Terms

I'm in a mood to write again.....it comes in waves, and I long to write it in poetry form, but somehow it comes to me in what I like to call "word vomit" and in the end, when it's done being projected, it seems to all make sense again, when it was turning and spinning through my mind.  My hand depending on the day will either feel the clickity clack of the keyboard or the feeling of a pen in one's hand.....depending on my mood, my agressivness, or if I'm patient enough to let my hand scribble my thoughts.  Today, I am not patient, today I just want to burst, just want to get it off my chest, and eventually, I would love to stop writing, and maybe apply some of this new found wisdom to my life.....maybe tomorrow eh?

I had a friend, a friend I had created a long friendship with for a few years, and it died, or at least I wanted it to in some form or another, over six months ago. In fact, if I am correct, it was over 9 months ago....wow time flies. The bittersweet feelings move in my heart like a rough choppy sea, sometimes moving me to reconnect, other times drawing me back in wise decision; NO. It's over, just leave it be, and take it as a sign to move forward and find a new friendship, one that won't stand still and wait for an action, or a forward movement....one that won't be stuck here in the shadows, content with the suffering, content to be alone, and in the end, content to change into someone I hardly recognize....even to my own reflection.  I suppose all good things do come to an end at some point....but that is my realist point of view coming into play.

I had a choice to go to an event where I would most likely see him again.....and I almost considered it. Would it be alright? Would I be ok and forgiven? Or would there be a divide? A poison between us with no right antidote?  It's never going to be the same again....and my heart breaks thinking of this prospect.  I could think I was a bad friend, a bad person, but then where would I grow and learn from that? Yes I acted poorly, yes I hurt someone's heart, and yes it hurts mine.....but I have left him behind. It was something I needed not remind myself of again. Sure there were moments of joy and bliss, but when they are overshadowed by some obvious and painful truths, the friendship most of the time consisting of an overwhelming loneliness and bitterness towards most things of the world, begins to fall, though you want to convince yourself it isn't and when that warped sense drowns out the sound of free-spirited progress and freedom, you begin to doubt what you put into this relationship, and the thought of leaving it scares you, for you don't want to fail at something you found to be so precious in your life....something you worked hard to find peace in.....in the end the stagnant nature is there in front of you like a big red flag.  For only when realize through much convincing, you see that you can’t drag someone around by the chains of their own demise, their unwillingness to walk with you as an equal….they are not bad people, just not the most joyus of company, so why be there any longer? Why insist upon finding something, a shred of what was never there but your love vision blocked the ugly truth? When you know it’s time to walk away, when you know there is nothing more you can get out of that friendship, then it’s most likely time to move on and start again.

And perhaps one day, you’ll meet someone who helps you change your entire mind about how you have seen yourself, how that old friend saw you, but never really knew YOU, and you’ll see life again, so happy, and perhaps you’ll find it in yourself to be free of that burden, to be able to even meet your old friend, and shake their hand and understand why things came to be the way they were….and you’ll walk away with peace in your heart….and a song on your lips….oh if only life were like the movies. Until that happens, I’ll just accept the fantasy J Goodnight world.